Hot Tub Conversations : Carly Valancy
Networking, horse girls, and Crazy Creeks (Szn 1: Ep 1)
🎉Introducing Szn 1 of Hot Tub Conversations 🎉
What began as one man's ramblings has evolved into conversations with pals. The intention here has always been to connect with people over ideas, and this latest series is a way to give some shine to the rad people with rad ideas who you might not know, but are in the tub right alongside you.
Today’s episode: Carly Valancy
Carly started her life as a performer on all kinds of stages— from barns to Broadway. Since then she’s been a marketer, community builder, founder, sketch comedy writer, wedding singer, course creator, and horoscope writer. She writes a Substack called a good omen and runs a community called Reach Out Party, both of which are all about how to find the right people and the magic that can happen when we connect with them. Carly and I connected in a writing course called Write of Passage, and she’s been one of the inspirations to start hot tub conversations. I’m stoked to have her in the tub for the pilot episode, and hope you enjoy our conversation:
I reached out to you after we were in a breakout room in Write of Passage and you shared that you had reached out to a new person every day for a year. I just thought, wow that’s dope, and felt called to reach out to hear more. Why do you think what you’re doing resonates with people and when did you realize that?
I started the reaching out thing when I was acting in New York, and I was talking to a mentor of mine who runs an acting studio and I mentioned, “Oh yeah, I just got this agent,” and she was like, “Oh my gosh, how did you get in with that agency? Like they're impossible.” I told her it came from this thing I’m doing where I reach out to a new person every day. And she was so amazed and so encouraging and basically gave me the confidence to start sharing. I just decided I’m gonna throw myself a party to celebrate reaching out to 100 people and call it the Reach Out Party, and it was just a gathering of a bunch of actors that took classes at our studio, and I just bought a bunch of Trader Joe’s food and drinks and I walked people though exactly how I did it. It was very surprising the positive reaction that I got from it, and from there I was like, maybe I’m onto something here.
What's something you learned about recently that caught your interest or sparked your curiosity?
Carly
I want to hear your answer to this first.
Brandon
Okay, so for me, starting this interview series, I’m really interested in the art of interviewing, and one of the people I look up to in that world is Rick Rubin, who has a podcast called Tetragrammaton. The way he connects with people and holds space and gets them to just like gush with these anecdotes from their early life and dig into their subconscious is amazing. You can hear people uncovering things or saying things about themselves that’s surprising even themselves. He’s like part therapist, part spiritual guru, part podcaster. It’s sparked my curiosity about how to develop those skills.
Carly
First of all, you should look up the Talk Easy podcast with Sam Fragoso. He interviews mostly artists, film and TV artists, and actors, but it’s wild that these people have been interviewed, like over a hundred or thousand of times, and yet he gets something out of these people that is so fresh and new, and sometimes something they've never even thought about before.
There's another podcast that I love that’s an NPR podcast called Wildcard with Rachel Martin. She has different question cards with numbers on them and she makes it into a game where you pick a number and can answer the question on the card or you can flip it back on her.
Brandon
I think you recommended this podcast to me a while back and it’s why I told you at the beginning of this that you can flip any of the questions back to me.
Carly
You know what I also love about it is there's a gift that the interviewee gets at the end, which is a moment back from your childhood to relive. She asks people, if you could spend a day in a place and relive that moment, where would you go? It’s so cool to see the memories that come out of these people and, wow, that is such a gift, to be able to give someone a moment to relive. I love the format to make the whole thing like a game where you get a prize at the end.
What’s a hot take or unpopular opinion you have?
I have one of each. OK, hot take…do you remember horse girls in high school? Like someone who loved horses and had a horse notebook, a horse backpack, just kind of obsessed and, at least in my high school, they're kind of like outsiders and people made fun of them.
My hot take is that horse girls are actually like the first among us to really have their shit figured out. Because really what is a horse girl other than a person who really knows what she loves and proudly, proudly displays it, talks about it, knows about it. For most people our 20s and 30s, is all about discovering who we are amongst so much optionality like so many people to date, so many jobs to have so many careers, directions, places to live. There's so much that we're able to choose from at this point in time and it can stall us out if we just become masters of none. I just think horse girls, at like 16 years old, were ready to be like, yeah this is who I am. I think that's absolutely beautiful, and if you’re making fun of horse girls, how dare you?!
We need a Horse Girls: Where Are They Now. Ok, now let’s hear your unpopular opinion.
Okay, this is a networking one. It can be really hard to network when you don't know exactly what you want, but actually I think that is the best time to network. When you're networking, the goal can seem like to ask for what you want, and that can be a scary thing. But it's even harder to reach out to someone when you don't know what you want or when you're feeling lost or when you're just stuck in a dip. And yeah, I've just been feeling that way recently and have had kind of an aversion to reaching out, which is something that I really love to do and I know is so good to do and I'm like, why is this so hard for me to do right now?
So recently I started reaching out in the pursuit of figuring out what I want to do and I think it opens the door to really interesting and meaningful connections. I think sometimes when we network we feel like we have it all together, but my unpopular opinion is that when you don't have your shit together, when you’re vulnerable, that’s actually the best time to be reaching out to people.
How has that looked for you when you've reached out to people?
The more direct you can be when you reach out to someone, the better. So set the intention, and also, I'll often reach out and just say like, “I am in such a vulnerable place in my life right now, and I'm trying to figure out what's next and I’m following the clues of what I'm interested in and passionate about and good at.”
And I have to assume that the person that I'm reaching out to has also been there. I’ll just say like, when you've been in this similar place in your life, what's the most helpful thing you did to move yourself in the direction toward where you are today? I'll get tons of responses because I think people just like know exactly what you're talking about. There's almost like a kinship there.
Any other recommendations?
On Substack I really love
by . It's just a really great look basically inside of someone's purse. Inside of someone's wallet or someone's bank account. It's conversations that you don't really get to have and she very transparently writes about how people work and live and how much money they spend and have. I find it fascinating and I actually just interviewed her on my Substack.What’s a moment from your childhood that you’d like to relive?
I went to summer camp in Maine when I was like 13 and next to my cabin there was this dirt patch surrounded by spruce trees. And I used to take my little Crazy Creek chair and just like sit inside of that circle of trees. And look up. And I think I didn't spend a lot of time alone as a kid like pondering things. I had a lot of siblings and family around all the time and this is the one childhood memory that was so peaceful and quiet and interesting to me. I found it interesting to be alone. Whereas in other moments I might have found it harder to be alone.
Thanks for tuning in to Ep 1!
I’d like to do more of these, so let me know your thoughts in the comments, and throw a like to vote for more Hot Tub Conversations
Brandon