"When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision." - Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
I recently ended a chapter of 9 months off of full-time work, and when I sat down to reflect on my sabbatical, this quote from The Alchemist found a way to bubble up and encapsulate the experience better than I could ever hope to articulate (but bear with me, I'm still going to try). Before quitting my job in March of '22 I had surveyed the river for a while and thought I had some idea where it might lead, but mostly I just knew it didn't feel right to just sit on the shore anymore. Once I dove in, the currents pulled me in directions I never could have anticipated. Some sections of the river were turbulent and scary- forcing me to confront the realities of my anxiety and depression head on. Some sections were unequivocally restful and leisurely- providing space for me to recharge, do things I love, and truly enjoy how lucky I was to be floating in a beautiful river with no obligations. Navigating the ebbs and flows also challenged me to reconsider what constituted a "good day" or even a "good life" (trying to live a retiree life at 29 comes with its own set of existential crises).
I also had to practice being vulnerable. Quitting with no plans of my next moves left me with no excuses to hide behind. I had to tell people my silly dreams like being a career coach, or starting my own retreat company, or consulting on organizational development, or joining a vanlife DAO. I had the space to really consider these paths instead of just burying them and writing them off because they weren't realistic or compatible with my current trajectory. I explored some to different extents, and in the end I landed at a job that is fairly similar to the job I originally quit. However, at the risk of exceeding my quota of ~deep river quotes~, I'll reference another gem,
"No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it is not the same river and he is not the same man" -Heraclitus
I was hesitant at first that my new job would be hopping into the same river, but I definitely don't feel like the same man, and it doesn't feel like the same river. I have a deep sense of gratitude for a steady income, and a newfound appreciation for structure and stability. I also have a refreshed perspective around work, and a recognition that I'm much more likely to find fulfillment in feeling compassion and connection with my co-workers, not in whatever illusory achievement the day-to-day grind offers up. This definitely isn't the end of the story, and I know there will be plenty more rivers and plenty more leaps, but I feel an earned confidence in my abilities to trust my gut, navigate the unknown, and receive help.
Help for me came in many forms: my therapist, mentors, colleagues, support groups, friends, partner, and even a monastic community (shout out the monks at Deer Park Monastery). Through all the ups and downs, these people were there to provide support, check my stories, and hold me accountable. Truthfully, Hot Tub Talks is a product of both my sabbatical and my support network - a personal project I'd talked about doing, but only followed through on once I had some leisure time and accountability to my friends Nick and Shu.
Thanks for joining me in the tub, and if you're thinking about taking some time off or making a big decision, hit me up, I'm happy to give you a push into the river.